Just as I leave

what do you see when you
close your eyes
full bright
blossoming buds of may
the figure of a woman
a home with
warm light

I close my eyes and
I see the home of my childhood
I see grass and broken fingers
bloodied noses
and white tile

I see a kitchen painted blue
with dirty window sill
and aching walls

And all I can do is
tip my hat and give you a thank you
Just endless gratitude for
the lessons you have given me
through the ringer
I feel wiser

I tried to shed some tears
Just to see if it would make me feel better
Like a pant leg in a bike chain
I remember when I fell
and scraped my knees
There was a bloody mess
the time I fell off the fence
and oh god, don't get me started
on the 13 staples in my chest

And still the only person
who can reduce me to wails
is my mother
and my father
That is real pain
and real joy
real life
in their smiles
That is where I
can always find my breath

Everything is more joyful
once time has aged it
I can't wait till my hair is tinged
with silver and my
soul is burned up at the edges
And I'll depart
Oh! I will depart!
My soul will ascend and I will cease to be.
In the place between dreaming and awake
I will find my heaven
just as I leave, I'll live.

And just like the disease
that will ravage my body,
and my loved ones will watch me
I will, like my father,
go with grace and gentleness
With acceptance
And I'll tell my family to not be bereaved
But like many things, I cannot control
the grief
I'll smile and laugh until I go
And my god, I will know
that just as I leave,
I'll live.

I'll live in the eyes of my children
in the retold tales and laughs
I'll live in the eyes of my friends
and my sisters
and my brothers
And of course, they will go on without me
Naturally
But what I will have left behind
will be the arms of my husband
or the golden hair of my daughter
the hope of my son
and the love that I never stopped giving them

and just as I leave,
I'll know I have lived.